My Boss and I (6)

Ok, I will try not to bore you with this one but it has to be said.
I have and will always attach value to life (whether humans or animals) but I must confess that a human life is far more valuable to me than that of an animal. If a monkey was writing this (I know, just humour me), it would have asserted that a monkey’s life was more valuable.

monkey4
This is a monkey

Where am I going with this? I am glad you asked. Some time last two weeks or so, there was this video of a 17 year old gorilla named Harambe and the 3 years old boy that crawled into its cave.
I watched the video on YouTube and even though I knew that the child was not hurt, I was scared he was gonna die while I was watching the video. Folks took to social media to express their anger on why the gorilla was killed and all, and my boss happens to be one of those folks who think mediation would have done the magic. He argued that the gorilla was only protecting the child (maybe he has watched Tarzan).
The argument between us was fierce that I thought he was gonna fire me from my job. So we had to declare; ‘No victor, No vanquished’.

So on Monday, I had to help him pick up his children from school. On our way back, I decided to stop at an eatery and get them ice cream. The service was slow so we were delayed. My boss called and asked where we were and that was when the thought came to me.
“We are at the zoo”. I replied.
The man shouted, “What! What are you doing there?”.
“The kids said they wanted to see what a gorilla looked like, so I brought them here. We are even looking at one now”.
Suddenly, I started shouting over the phone “Oh my God! It is trying to get out of its cage, Oh my God! Oh my God!”. I just kept shouting and ended the call.

When I got to the office, he was not there. So I asked the secretary where he had gone to and she replied, “he ran out, saying he was going to the zoo”.
I just packed my things and headed home straight.

-Ameh.

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My Boss and I (5)

So I know I am not supposed to comment on matters revolving around my boss and his family, but not when it puts my life in danger. He is always involved in quarrels with his wife and that is how they will make me the middle person. His wife will call me to ask, “where is your oga?” and finish with “Tell him not to come home o!” My boss will call me asking, “did my wife call you? Call her back and tell her that I am coming home at 6pm sharp and she should get ready.” That is how I am delivering messages upandan like one zombie. Of course, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy the quarrels, especially when he’s on the phone with her and you can hear his wife saying, “I will beat you this night, just come home first.” And he will say, “that is how you like making mouth.” I usually just laugh out loud at this two in their 50s acting like some drunk teenagers in love.

So last week Friday, while driving back from court, he started lamenting about a quarrel that must have ensued between them this morning. I just sat listening and feeling sorry for him until his lamenting got out of hand. This time, he started shouting “oooo God! Why me?” and while at it, he kept taking his hands off the steering wheel. Sometimes lifting both hands and his head up and at other times, he placed his head down on the steering wheel all the while yelling “why, why!” and the car was moving at a reasonably high-speed o! so I shouted, “sir, please stop! Park, please. I will meet you in the office, I am still single please.”
And surprisingly he replied, “oh my God, you mean I have been driving since?”

Ameh.

P.S. Catch previous episodes here

 

My Boss and I (4)

So I got this message on Thursday: “Mr. My Boss and I, I can’t say I don’t find your work interesting, but I think you intentionally instigate your boss to do silly things so that you can have a story.”

Now, I can’t really deny that, but I think sometimes my boss instigates me to instigate him.
For example, on Friday after work he suggested we go out and have fun and said, “we are going to the park since it’s children’s day. I want to mark children’s day for you.”
I agreed and on getting there, I suggested we ride the roller coaster and insisted he joins me.
By the time that thing started moving ehn, it was slowly at first o, then suddenly the thing started going soooooo fast and veeeeeery high.

My oga was just shouting: “Jesus Jesus Jesus, Blood of Jesus, My Father please deliver me, Jesus save me!”
Me I was just laughing my ass out (although I felt a little scared) .

When we got down, he was just throwing up all over the place. I simply drove him home, handed him over to his family and went my way.
You know that’s not my fault. *Shrugs*

You can check out episodes one, two, three.

My Boss and I (3)

Since I started the My boss and I series in February, I have been getting a lot of feedbacks; comments, messages, constructive criticisms and the other kind of criticism, on my blog, Instagram, twitter, Facebook and others.
On Monday, last week, I got this message via email:

“Dear Ameh, I have been following your series on you and your boss and I must confess that I look forward to new things from you everyday. Thanks for the little laughter you try to force out even when I’m down.
P.S. Expect your sack letter soon o *lol* “

I think that last paragraph was meant to be a joke, but it kinda sounded like a prophecy to me and that was when I had an epiphany; “what if my boss is actually planning to sack me in the most humiliating way ever?”.
Mehn! I couldn’t sleep well all through that week.
So an idea struck me. I was gonna find out what my boss was planning.

So on Friday, I drafted a letter of appointment using the letterhead of a very popular firm in Abuja and took it to my boss.
“Sir I got employed” I said excited. His eyes widened in shock, “employed?” he asked, now a bit confused too, so I handed the letter to him.

At this point the man was so devastated that he was almost crying.
He started saying things like: “What did I ever do to you? “Did I offend you?” “See if you want me to increase your salary, I will.”

When I noticed he was going to cry, I told him I was just joking and that I just wanted to know if he was planning to fire me.
He got so angry, he told me to get out of his office.
As I was walking out I said, “sir, about that salary increment, are you serious about it?”
Angrily he said “get out of my office before I sack you.”

Ameh.

 

You can catch up on the first instalment here and the second, here.

My Boss and I (2)

It is no longer news that our cherished and beloved subsidy has been removed from office and fuel is now selling for 145naira per litre. However, some Nigerians have taken the removal of subsidy very personal, and this may be due to the financial benefits they enjoyed when he was still in office. At least they got to save 60naira for every litre that they purchased when subsidy was the supreme leader.

Some of the loyal followers of subsidy, who are being robbed of their benefits, have taken it upon themselves to express their anger everywhere they go(like MTN), and my boss happens to be one of them.
Couple of days back, we stopped at a filing station to get fuel when my boss started again o.
“What is wrong with this country? What is wrong with the president? Are we fools? Are we animals? Why do you treat us like one?”. On and on he kept ranting.
Truth be told I felt embarrassed thus needed a way to stop him. So an idea struck me.

“Sir, I know a place where fuel is still sold for 85naira per litre.”
“What!” he exclaimed
“For real” I replied.
He quickly jumped in the car and we started out, leaving the long NNPC queue behind. I made sure we drove until his fuel got finished.
That was when he noticed and said

“There’s no such filing station right?”
“No there’s none. I just needed you to stop talking”. I replied
“So why didn’t you just tell me to stop talking?” he asked.
“You wouldn’t have stopped sir. Sir this is just best for the both of us, let’s just buy from black market and go back to the office because I’m sure you don’t want to go and stay on that queue from the back again”.

He didn’t say anything o. He just bought fuel from black market entered his car and told me to meet him at the office.

Ameh.

Errr… I’m thinking his days are numbered in that office. What do you guys think?

If you missed the first part, you can check it out here

My Boss and I (1)

April 8,2016 at about 12:30pm

I just got back from running an errand for my boss. After some small talk about the fuel scarcity my boss suddenly asked, “Can you drive?”. Knowing where this was going I responded with “it depends sir”.

“It depends on what?” he enquired

So I sharply said,  “It depends on how much fuel is in the car. I can’t drive a car without full tank”. The man just stood there looking at me. And while walking out of the office,  said “you know I can sack you now right? Because you know I want to send you to filing station you are talking rubbish”.

Absolute silence from my end………..

I just hope my April salary doesn’t come on 28th of may……….. NO FUEL, NO LIGHT.

Ameh.