Interesting things unfold in a Danfo (yellow commercial bus) everyday, ranging from strange to weird to downright LOL moments. So I have decided to put down a few of my personal favourites.
The weird: This one right here is by far my weirdest bus experience (oh wait, no it actually isn’t the weirdest. There’s another one, but it’s more disgusting than weird. Maybe someday soon I will have enough courage to write about it, but until then…). This happened on a Saturday, on my way home after SheHive Lagos (a friend said that sounds like some coven or something. If you are reading this, you are lucky I’m not putting your name here. The hive would have hunted you down! Lol) I got into the bus at Oshodi. I was one of three people — one person in front, one in the first seat then me in the second — so we had to wait for more passengers before we could move. Immediately I sat down this older woman came in after me and sat by my side. She was carrying a sack. And then she said, “Aunty, please, lap me.” (I kid you not) I thought I hadn’t heard her well and I said “ehn?” And she said it again. I screamed said no and she kept pleading with me to lap her. Then after repeating over and over again that no, I won’t and can’t lap you woman, she then changed her pleas to; “oya, please give me 100 naira for the bus”. At this point I’m like, Oh really, this is how it’s done now? I declined again and she went on and on and then asked me for 50 naira. I couldn’t take it anymore so I gave it to her. Then almost immediately, she got off the bus. And I was sitting there like, Wow! Err… what just happened? Started with lap me, then give me 100 naira, then 50 naira, and then disappear! Who goes up to a random person and ask that they carry you on their lap for the next 30 minutes of bus ride! We just keep coming up with new ways to switch it up don’t we? Smh.
The Head Scratcher: I like to eavesdrop listen to people’s conversations in the bus. I mean, you can’t blame me if you decide to talk above a certain decibel which is standard for two people having a conversation or for a phone conversation, then you have invited me. Blame it on my innate aprokoness inquisitiveness or whatever, but It’s an enclosed space, you can’t expect me to block my ears.
I overheard this woman talking to some man at the back seat about candy crush. I didn’t start the conversation with them but I guessed they were talking about games in general. Then she said (in yoruba), “When I got to level 543 (or some other ridiculous number) and I got stuck. I tried and tried to pass that level but I couldn’t. So I kuku left it for them. It’s not my head they will scatter.”
They have not only scattered your head, but they have also stolen x number of hours you wasted spent playing the game. I could go on lamenting about the time, energy and resources this woman wasted spent, but I have also wasted my time doing some unproductive things as well, like play candy crush until I eventually gave up on it, so I will just move on.
Weird Groups: In addition to listening to conversations, I also read people’s chats. I’m scum, I know. I actually try not to but I just can’t help myself. This need to satisfy my hunger for gist curiosity always drags me. I do it out of love, really. If I don’t read their chats, who will? But, honestly, I have turned a new leaf, I have repented. I mind my business nowadays.
Anyway, when I was still living in sin, on this beautiful day on my way home, I looked into the phone of the young man sitting beside me. He was scrolling through the contacts on his WhatsApp. He stopped briefly and my eyes caught something. The name of a group: “Sex Life in Naija”. I looked again to make sure I saw that right. Yep, I did. It left me wondering what exactly it is they would be talking about on a group like that. So now people need a group to talk about sex? Trés intéressant. whistles and walks away.
This conversation about modelling:
Girl A: Did you see that Miss Anambra video?
Girl B: I saw it o. What a shameful thing. Shebi I read somewhere that it’s the organizers that made her do it or something like that.
Girl A: That’s why all these modelling things, 90% (she pulls out statics from the air!) of the time, somebody will want to sleep with you.
Girl B: Abi. They must sha want you to sleep with them
Girl A: Ehn now, when I wanted to go into modelling too, that time that I was still very slim, the guy said I must sex (I swear, I’m not making this up) him first before anything. And I told him me I cannot o. That was why me I just forgot about the whole modelling thing o.
And then they got off the bus. But I’m sure the conversation had a very rational ending.
This phone conversation between a guy and what I assume is his girlfriend. I may be wrong, so I’ll let you be the judge of that:
Guy: So now that I said you should send your account number, you have credit to text abi?
Girl (assumed response): I don’t understand what you are talking about.
Guy: You always say you don’t have credit to call or text, but now you have credit to send your account number right?
Girl (assumed response): No now… it’s not like that. It’s_
Guy: Wo, bye bye. I can’t talk right now.
Click. End of conversation.
That’s the end of this installment folks. Although, seeing as Danfo is my primary means of transportation, I’m sure there would be other installments to follow because, in a Danfo, the drama never ends. Peace.
P.S. Any weird or funny Danfo experience? Feel free to share!